Two in a row

Ok, one more post. The last post got me in a reflective mood, looking through some of the emails I've received over the last few months. Sorry I didn't reply, but I was trying to completely separate things, and replying to email on this subject was just not in the cards.

But, I'll take a few minutes to do it here, in the blog. Mostly as a way to reflect what went right and what went wrong in case we decide to bring this element back into our lives. I'll skip over questions that I think I answered in the previous posts. I won't attribute the questions to protect the privacy of the writer.

In retrospect, do you wish you had any conversations about motivations or "feelings" or concerns that didn't happen at the time? Did you make any conditions at the start that I may have missed - an "out" clause for example? If not, do you wish that you did? What would you have wanted to discuss - to identify or to nail down?

I think the 'out' clause was built in... I can say "No", and/or use some snips to remove the device. Plastic is easy, and, when it comes down to it, I'm stronger than she is. What I think might have been good to have/use is a yellow flag... a better way of saying, "Wait, there's a problem here, let's talk" without invoking a full-fledged fight.

I got the impression that time lines and durations became somewhat elastic on occasion... You started out on a week-long experiment, then two weeks, and now months. Week to week, things seemed to be quite inconsistent at times and "time locked up" or "out for good behavior" could vary quite a bit from your own preconceived notions and expectations. It seems like you both let this happen, and it never really got out of control. Is that the case? Are things still in a comfortable mutual balance for both of you regarding power, influence, fairness and expectations?

Well, the last part of that was pretty well answered in the previous post! But, for future use, let me answer the first part... not having a set time was a good thing and a bad thing. It was good in that our life had been very fluid, primarily in terms of her travel schedule, and she had generally never denied me sex when the time was right. Looking at it from the point of view of using the device to control masturbation, it was a good plan... I was locked when there was no opportunity for sex, and unlocked when sex was in the cards. This was fine. It was a bad thing, though, in that the "rules" and expectations were also fluid. This came to a head when she saw me literally scratching an itch- she took this as a sign of cheating, while I had no idea it was even an issue.

In summary, while the flexible time line was not a problem, in that I was never actually denied sex with her, the rules, expectations, punishments/forfeits, etc., should be clearly discussed and agreed on.

A time or two, you alluded to failed attempts to regain temporary control. Did that permanently "color" your outlook on possible future events, or was your outlook pretty malleable? Were you adaptive to changing expectations when you weren't "uncaged" on time or as expected, or did that nag at you afterwards?

In general, I don't think I ever really consciously tested the limits before the events of early April, and that turned out to be a problem given the mismatched set of expectations, rules, and so on. In general I was adaptive to the situation because it was taken (at least by me) as a game, and the goal (good sex) was always understood to be attainable, even if the goalposts were (teasingly) moved slightly. In retrospect, I'm not sure that's how my wife was viewing it, and that does bug me somewhat, now that I think about it. That's something that we'll need to make sure is much more discussed, clear and agreed on in the future.

Have your (both of you) risk - reward systems changed significantly over the past six months? How? Regarding sex? Other than sex? Is that a good thing?

The reward system (for both of us) is better sex. I'm not sure we both comprehended the 'risk' side of things, in that I had not really understood her view on what was "risky". This goes back to not being clear on the rules and expectations.

How does cleaning work? Is it hot in the summer?

Cleaning is not easy, but quite possible. Being that I was typically locked for less than a week, there was ample opportunity to get a good cleaning in. By the time I stopped wearing the device summer had not come on full force here yet, so I never experienced wearing it in the 100+ degree temperatures we've been dealing with recently. I suspect it would be hot, sticky, and make me stay inside in the air conditioning.

Going forward, what do you want to accomplish? To Change? Do you want to stop this, take a "kink" detour more extreme than in the past, or make this a "steady state" part of your life? Or just let the future unfold without trying too hard to shape it?

Goal number one is a happy and healthy relationship, which is where I think we are now (though perhaps slightly tenuously at this moment.) Everything else is flexible. Kink is fine and good, as long as it serves to enhance, and not strain, the relationship.

It seems your wife doesn't use the device for punishment or to coerce you to accomplish tasks, sell vehicles, etc. I told my wife, after some research, that it seemed like the material aimed at women on the topic was focused on turning a mate into a "man-pet". I didn't want to be a man-pet, and my wife agreed she didn't want this either. Do you find you are in the same situation? That is, do you and your wife prefer not to engage in the dominance games that result in men-pets and female-led-relationships? Are you satisfied with the current state of affairs, in this regard?

"My protection" had, from the beginning, always been about my masturbation (and sex in general), and nothing else. It was not an element of control in the relationship, in that she never used it as a "weapon" to get me to do the laundry or sell my jet-ski, two things she'd like to see. If she had, I suspect the wire cutters would have removed the device in seconds. When things did start to move even slightly in that direction, it caused the end of the whole thing as the chastity experiment was instantly and mutually scuttled to save the relationship. Our relationship was (and is) not built or structured that way. I'm not interested in being a man-pet, and she's not interested in having one.

I sometimes fear that this thing will work so well, my wife won't want to stop using. Maybe that's not a bad thing, but I'm sure it's crossed your mind on more than one occasion. What are your thoughts on this?

I'm always slightly amused at the insinuation that my wife could "force" me to do this somehow. If the concern is over a relationship-based control ("She'll leave me if I don't wear it"), then I would suggest that the relationship has other more fundamental problems with trust and understanding. But that's my opinion, based on my relationship.

What are your expectations, if you have any, with regard to duration of use, need for use, etc? After all this time, do you feel you are more capable of withholding for sake of your wife, were you to go without the device? (your point of view only, I think I already know what your wife believes!)

I think my wife would still like me to use it, but the at this point the risks to the relationship given what happened outweigh those feelings. The fact that we're together more (so sex happens more often) certainly helps me withhold, as "the need" does not get a chance to build as far, and when it does my wife is (generally) willing to help out. I just don't need to jerk off as much these days. That said, if her travel schedule went back to the way it was, I don't think I'd be able to "withhold" any better now than I did before.

If you could go back in time to the beginning, would you do this all over again?

Yes. I still think that the marriage is better off than it was. Our communication is better, our sex is better, and we have a much deeper understanding of each other. If I could change a few things, in particular how it ended, it would be even better.

That which does not kill something, makes it stronger.

So, I wasn't going to bother to write this, but I've gotten enough email, etc., asking what the heck was going on that I decided to at least provide a final chapter.

In short, many things have changed. Some changes happened slowly over the course of this entire experience, and some happened more quickly, in the hours and days after my previous post. All in all, it added up to a result that both my wife and I agreed was a Bad Place. It reminded us both of the Stanford Experiment.

Let me remind folks that, by nature, I am not a submissive person. When we're kayaking, biking on our tandem bike, driving, deciding where to take our vacation, or most any other activity by which one would measure innate 'dominance' in a relationship, I'm in the driver's seat. My wife, by nature, is pretty middle-of-the line... she's a successful executive marketing type and manages a fairly large marketing department, but she is by no means "dominating" in the D/s sense. If asked where we lie on the 1-10 scale of 1 being submissive and 10 being dominant, she's a 5 and I'm a 5.5. That kind of thing. But, people do strange things when given power. History has shown that again and again.

Back many many moons ago, my wife introduced the idea of me wearing the chastity device as a way to control my masturbation. (She still claims that a friend told her about the idea, but I don't know that it's true.) In retrospect, I do believe that the amount of jerking off that I did affected our sex life, and I still defend my actions with the "But she was never around, and never made time for me" excuse. She typically was gone 4-6 nights a week, which really, really sucks. Our sex life was definitely not great.

I remember being rather resentful of the CB-6000 at first. I felt as though she didn't trust me (which she didn't, and rightfully so.) Over time, though, it did change our relationship. We spent more time together, as the device forced us to acknowledge and deal with the overall problems with our sex life and our relationship as a whole.

I was willing to go along with this because it really did benefit me. Our sex life got a lot better, I was getting far more attention (which was, of course, returned), and in general we were both happier. Over time I learned how to deal with wearing the device on a daily basis, which also helped a lot as it became just a fact of life, and not a major inconvenience.

At some point though, things changed. It went from a game, where we were both willing participants, to a punishment, where I was the unwilling recipient. This was an uncomfortable annoyance the first one or two times, but became a serious issue at some point. That point was early April. My wife was subject to increased pressure at work, with a miserable travel schedule, I was under pressure, and unwilling to "Just take it." There was far more yelling and hurt feelings on both sides than fun and games. Our sex life was suffering again, but I had no outlet. This lead to a huge fight about two days after my last post.

Immediately after I was "caught" acting suspiciously, she rather directly ordered me to lock myself. She was not at all sympathetic to my arguments, and her comments were about how disappointed she was, how I had obviously not learned anything, and how she was going to have to go back to keeping me locked all the time since I proven I was not trustworthy. Things were frosty. After two days, I broke. I yelled. She yelled. At some point, our energy exhausted, we actually started talking about what the problem was.

In the end, we agreed that things had changed over time in ways that neither had realized. She had started to take the role of the prison guard, unconsciously venting her frustration at work on me as punishments. While the idea of this may excite some guys, it is definitely NOT what worked for me, in fantasy or (especially) reality. We immediately stopped using "my protection", as she still calls it.

As fate would have it, a week or two later she got a nice promotion at work. This promo means much less traveling, and more than anything else has probably helped our relationship by giving us more time together. With more time for sex, there was less need for jerking off, which lead to better sex, and to some degree things have reached a good equilibrium.

Do I regret any of this chastity experience over the last few months? Yes and no. Shared tests and trials are a proven way of strengthening relationships, and I think that our marriage is stronger for the stress. "That which does not kill something, makes it stronger." There is a new kinkiness to our lives, which has manifest itself as a willingess to try new things both in the bedroom and in life in general.

I do wish that we had been more aware of the building strain under the surface, though. People do strange things when they are given power over another person, and it's not always obvious at first. To some degree, I'm glad things broke when they did, such that the strain could be relieved before irreparable damage was done.

Recently, she has hinted that she would like to play with chastity again. She has hinted that our previous experiences with her being able to let go and enjoy some light bondage during sex is enhanced when there is a "quid pro quo"... me spending some time locked up. We'll see. I'm not sure I'm quite ready to re-introduce this particular element into our lives; I think it needs some more time to defuse.

So, I'm not going to say I'm never going to post again, but it will be fairly rare. It was an interesting experiment, but it's time to move on.

... and then I screw it up.

Here's a hint.  If you've been unlocked to go for a bike ride, and not locked up afterwards, don't get caught in your office with your hands in your pants and an erection.  It can be interpreted badly, even if it's not what it may look like to a suspicious eye.

After several minutes of her point of view about trust, how I haven't changed, and you'd-think-I-would-have-figured-this-out-by-now, I was locked back up.

And for the record I was just scratching an itch.  Literally.  Not jerking off.

Crap.

Summer coming on

Again, a long time between updates.  Oh well.  So it goes.

I continue to find myself locked up whenever my wife is traveling, but less and less when she's around.  This is good, because as the weather starts getting warmer here in Northern California, the CB-6000 is starting to get less pleasant to wear for longer periods of time.  Having one's privates in a non-breathing plastic tube when the weather is hot is understandably not so much fun.  

I've been very careful (and probably lucky) regarding hygiene, and have not have any skin problems... knock on wood.  As it gets hotter and sweat and heat start to become more of a problem, I'm almost expecting something bad to happen.  

In addition, I'm spending more time biking, and wearing it while riding is simply not possible.  This has meant that I can't ride when she's gone, which really kind of sucks.  I'd like to find some sort of solution for that, but haven't come up with anything.

I've started the process of trying to convince my wife that I really don't need to wear this device any more... that I'll "be good" without it.  Especially during summer, when I'm active, the weather is hot, and so on.  Plus, there are several multi-week trips, both business and pleasure, that will interrupt things anyway.  So, we'll see how that discussion goes.

The end of the honey-moon

It's been a while since I've updated because, well, not a lot interesting has happened. Life is pretty much a status quo right now. The regularity does reduce the interest and excitement. It just feels more like a chore and annoyance now.

I've been pushing the boundaries recently, and have spent less time locked up as a result. I'm not sure whether that makes it easier or harder. After I'm unlocked for whatever reason (sex, cleaning, biking, etc.) I have not been bothering to put the device back on of my own accord. My wife has noticed, but as long as we're together, it has not been a problem. When we're going to be apart, though, she 'reminds' me that I need to get locked up.

An example, from about an hour ago. I'd been unlocked since last night, when we had a very good evening together, trying some new and (sort of) kinky things. We took a shower together this morning, then we were working together doing some spring cleaning. It was nice to be free of the cb-6k for a while, even though it did feel quite different not having it on. When it came time for her to run an errand, though, she told me it was time to put 'my protection' back on. It may come back off tonight, if we have sex, or perhaps not until Wednesday or Thursday when she gets back.

The fact that I had the 12 hour break without the device is nice, but it also makes putting it back on that much more noticeable. It's frustrating that she insists that I'm locked even when I shower alone or when she runs out for a quick errand, especially because I know that I won't be unlocked just because she gets back. Unless there's a good reason, she usually shrugs her shoulders and won't produce the key. We've talked about it, of course, but her argument is that I'm used to wearing it anyway, consistency is important, and look at the goodness it's done for our sex life.

So far, that last part at least has been a difficult argument to counter. We continue to try new things... I'm sure we still count as vanilla by most standards, but we've been pushing our previous boundaries slowly.

In summary... we're clearly out of the chastity honey-moon period, and real life is starting to set in. Things aren't as shiny, new , and exciting as they were, but it still goes on.

The Ins and Outs

Some have wondered how much time I actually spend wearing the device. So, here's a typical week.

Sunday night or Monday morning, depending on when my wife leaves that week, I'll be reminded that I need to get "my protection" on. Since it's less bother to do it in the evening than trying to fight any morning stiffness, I usually get locked up Sunday evening as we're headed to bed, after any fooling around that may occur.

She is usually gone either on two short trips or one long trip for the week. This week, for instance, she was gone through today (Thursday), and will be getting home in a few hours.

When she's home, she prefers that I'm wearing the cb-6k whenever I might have an opportunity to get into "trouble". She may or may not unlock me, depending on what's going on for the day. If we're home for the day, she may just answer with a "Maybe later" if I ask to be unlocked, or she may unlock me. Depends on her mood, my mood, and so on. When we first started, I'd be in and out of the device possibly several times a day when she was around. In and out for a shower, in as she went for a walk, out when she returned, in while I'm up in my office for a while doing work, then out when we head out to meet friends for dinner. As I've gotten more used to wearing it, I ask to be out less, and I tend to just stay locked up unless there is a specific reason to be released. Using last weekend as a typical example, I was unlocked Friday night for sex, Saturday morning to give everything a good cleaning, then Sunday morning for sex. I was locked other than that.

With the exception of Valentine's Day weekend (when she intentionally did not bring the key), she's so far never not unlocked me for sex when the mood was right. She'll also generally unlock me if we're going out with friends, or bike riding, or whatever on the weekends. I think this is the most important reason that I don't fight wearing the device, as it's not portrayed as a 'punishment' or such, or actively used to make my life difficult just because she feels like it. It's certainly not used as orgasm denial!

Questions II

A reader "KC" left some continuing questions, so I'm going to address those. It's "The Big Question", so it makes sense to devote a post to it. I think I've said all this before in previous posts, but I'll use your question as an opportunity to gather it all together.

By does it work, I guess I mean that you said the reason your wife wanted you to wear the chastity belt was because you jerked off so much that her sex life suffered. Does it improve your and her sex life? Does your wife think its worth it?

Well, that is the million dollar question, isn't it? I have to caution you, KC, that I can only talk about my experiences; it's not safe to generalize this from "Does it work for me" into "Would it work for you." That's between you and your husband.

As far as my experience goes, I have to say that it has improved our sex life, as well as our overall marriage relationship. Having lived this for about three months (hardly a huge span of time on which to draw conclusions, I agree), I don't believe that orgasm denial or anything like that had anything to do with it. I think the important factor here is that my wife and I are rather forced to pay more attention to each other.

Any Psych 101 book will tell you that two people paying attention to each other will have a better relationship than two people that are too busy for each other, and her holding the key to a chunk of plastic on my genitals forces the issue in our busy lives. When she's home she insists on making sure that there is little to no chance I can get a moment to jerk off, so she's usually thinking about me. When she's gone and I'm at home working, every time I reach down to my crotch I'm thinking about her. Even if we're not having sex, there is still a need to check and maintain the device for cleanliness.

My belief now is that the masturbation thing may have been a convenient excuse, but it was not the real problem in our relationship. Communication was. We communicated well, but not often. We could talk about anything with each other, but rarely did. The hustle and bustle (and wife's constant travel) hurt the relationship more than we realized at the time. We had two rather separate lives, really, meeting on the weekends to clean the house and have a quickie. Locking the device on makes me just a little dependent on her, and that meant we have to find and spend the time.

Another way this has changed our relationship was rather surprising to me, which is that it has opened a very vanilla love live into something a little different. I won't call it kinky or anything (yet!), but there is certainly more room for experimentation and new ideas that we didn't think about or consider previously. This is probably the biggest direct change to our sex life that wearing the chastity device has caused, but the device itself is really just an enabler. There are many other ways we could have gotten to this point.

In summary: Yes, the chastity device has improved our marriage and sex life. Not through the orgasm denial mechanisms that are 'intended', perhaps, but there you go. Whatever works.

Again... Your Mileage WILL Vary. You'll have to assess this in the context of your relationship; everyone -and every relationship- is different. Talk to him. Let him know your concerns. If he agrees with your concerns, you might suggest a solution. He may want nothing to do with it. On the other hand he may, like me, end up thinking that it's worth it, even if it is occasionally a pain in the penis.

(I'll answer the question regarding how often I'm actually in the device next post.)